So close yet so far away

It's beautiful how people can still love each other despite being 1000 miles apart

while we're so close yet I feel like our hearts are 1000 miles apart

you know, I'll walk 500 miles for you but the problem is...

will you walk the other 500 miles for me?

#np A Thousand Miles - Vanessa Carlton

Best Days

A song dedicated to the best parents in the world. Thank you for accepting me as who I am not for who I am supposed to be. All the best days in my life, I spent it with you.

The Best Day

Taylor Swift

I'm five years old and it's getting cold
I've got my big coat on
I hear your laugh and look up smiling at you
I run and run
Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides
Look now the sky is gold
I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you're not scared of anything at all
Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day with you today

I'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean
I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
And we talk and window shop till I forgot all their names

I don't know who I'm gonna talk to now at school
But I know I'm laughing on the car ride home with you
Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay
But I know I had the best day with you today

I have an excellent father
His strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother
Inside and out he's better than I am

I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run
And I had the best days with you

There is a video I found from back when I was three
You set up a paint set in the kitchen and you're talking to me
It's the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
Daddy's smart and you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

Now I know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
Staying back and watching me shine and I didn't know if you knew this
So I'm taking this chance to say that I had the best days with you

On a night like this...

Can every other night be as perfect as this? Just you, me, and that 1 second of joy. That second felt like hours to me. He's perfect in every way yet I already have someone else. It's 'Him'. Yeah, 'him'.

Who's 'Him' anyway?

....

I call him... Robbins.

*dies*

A Letter to My Future Husband

Jakarta, February 24th 2012

Dear my future husband,

How are you today? Did everything turn out great at work? I really hope so. Just in case you're wondering, I'm fine. Really. I'm just a little bit tired from reading hundreds of pages of notes about cells, cells, cells. Well, as you can see I'm still in my first year of medical school, yeah long before we got together.

Honey, sometimes I wonder if you even exist in this cruel world. I can't seem to find you no matter how hard I try- Well, I haven't even tried anyway. I'm just not interested-or just simply afraid to hurt someone else after all I've ever done. I hurt lots of people. I broke their heart. I made them cry. Why? I don't even know. Is this God's way to show me that 'they' are not you? I surely hope so.

Sometimes I do wonder what would happen if I couldn't find you. Would I be lonely? Would I spent my whole life alone in a dark place? Or will I be happier? I'm not sure, well up to this point anyway. Honey, all I ever want is to find my ultimate happiness, and now that you're by my side reading this letter, you should finally understand that I have found it within you.

Please take good care of the future me, no matter how short-tempered I am, no matter how talkative I am, no matter how eccentric I could be at certain times, remember that behind all those flaws stands a girl- wait, a woman :p- who wants to cook for you everyday, to take her children to school with you, to hold hands with you, to shower you with love, to hug you every time you come back from work no matter how tired she is after a long day at work dealing with patients. Please, do not break my-future-self's heart. Please do not break the promises you have made with my parents when you came to propose me. Please do not let the ring I have on the my left ring finger slip off after all those things we've been through.

Well, just between you and me, up until the time I wrote this letter I've always imagined you to be a doctor, but what are you exactly? Only the future me would know. I'm not even sure you existed up until now, yet I really wish that you do. I sometimes imagine both of us walking together side-by-side, holding hands, wearing white jackets and just have a little chat in the hallway, yeah small things like that, but for me that keeps me close to my medical books. Despite that, I don't give a damn of what you do right now, as long as its legal, you're honest, you're doing your best, you treat me and our kids well, I think it's enough dear. Thank you for all the awesome things you have done/will do for me.

Love,

Your wife in 2012 :)

I Remember

I Remember - Mocca

Lyric

I remember...The way you glanced at me, yes I remember
I remember...When we caught a shooting star, yes I remember
I remember.. All the things that we shared, and the promise we made, just you and I
I remember.. All the laughter we shared, all the wishes we made, upon the roof at dawn

Do you remember..?
When we were dancing in the rain in that december
And I remember..When my father thought you were a burglar
I remember.. All the things that we shared, and the promise we made, just you and I
I remember.. All the laughter we shared, all the wishes we made, upon the roof at dawn

I remember.. The way you read your books,
yes I remember
The way you tied your shoes,
yes I remember
The cake you loved the most,
yes I remember
The way you drank you coffee,
I remember
The way you glanced at me, yes I remember
When we caught a shooting star,
yes I remember
When we were dancing in the rain in that december
And the way you smile at me,
yes I remember
----------------

The song gave me goosebumps, oh my. I wonder if you remember anything about me? :p

Well, we haven't made that much memories after awhile. Wait- we? No, no, no. That ain't gonna happen. It's just another one of your crazy one-sided love, Manda. There won't be anything between you and him. Maybe the heat got something to do with this. Bali is sooooo hot recently. It's like living in a huge oven -______-

Wish me luck, hopefully I'll survive this damn heat and MY SECOND SEMESTER IN MEDICAL SCHOOL <3

I'm in Bali again!

SQUEEEEE I'm home everyone :') Can't believe that I managed to live in that cruel, CRUEL world for 4 months! It's all thanks to the love and support from my parents and my friends that made my world colorful <3

After being here for more than a week, I have done a lot of things like- ...

Okay, I admit. All I did was slack off. I can't believe I could sleep for 12 hours! D: I didn't think that my first semester in med school was THAT hard, but I think it really exhaust my brain, but seriously guys, during that cruel 4 months I only have to memorize a few thin books while for the upcoming semesters I have to memorize like... lots of huge thick books that's almost as thick as 4 Macbooks stacked together! Maybe the next time I came home I'll sleep for 24 hours each day huh? God, please give me your guidance too for the upcoming semesters...

So, a few days ago I had THE TALK with my mom. We were in the car, coming home from an afternoon jogging at a park in the city. We talked about lots of stuff like life, my family's financial condition *thank God it was okay, especially after I got admitted at university for a normal price :')*, and in the end we reached to a point where we have to talk about 'this'. Yeah, my future. I asked mom what kind of doctor should I be. She said that I can be anything I want, as long as it's beneficial for me and the world around me. Deep down inside, I wanted to be a pediatrician, while I know what she meant was being an obstetrician. So I said to her, what if I wanted to be a pediatrician? She said that it's cool, but I should spend more time to think, after all I still have a long way ahead. I need to focus on my studies and so on. I had advantages to take a specialty that requires a longer period of studying because of my young age, but I have wanted to become a pediatrician since a looooooong time ago, since I was in elementary school. Yet, this talk made me think twice about it. I still have a long way to go.

I don't know what hit me at that time but suddenly I came up with the most interesting yet uninteresting topic in the world. Partner. Spouse. Husband. Something like that. So I asked my mom, what kind of person should I marry in the future? My mom then shot a weird glance on me and asked:
"So you actually thought about that kind of stuff? Finally you have reached that phase, eh?"
Well, I won't be around for too much so I think we really need to talk about this, well just in case. My parents have always been the protective-yet-free kind of parents. It's a little bit hard to explain. They gave me freedom to do anything but I'm responsible for all the after effects, but being the only daughter made my parents very, very protective to me. Not overprotective, but yeah, VERY protective. Having to carry such a huge responsibility and all the burdens upon my shoulders made me a little bit more mature than kids my age- which made me normal. After all, what could you expect form a soon-to-be-16 years old girl being in university with her 17-20 years old friends? That pretty much made me blend with all the big kids- I mean young adults around me while other kids my age are busy planing for their sweet 16 parties. This is why my mother decided that she would not interfere with my choice. She said that any kind of guy would be okay, as long as you're sure that he's the one.

THAT'S EXACTLY MY PROBLEM MOM. How would you know that he's the one? She said that one day I'll understand. I'll notice that the feeling is different. I will find out one day in the future. She also noted that I should consider my future in laws and have the 'chore, financial, kids, and all other important grown up stuff' talk with my future spouse. Then I giggled. I'm only sixteen, marriage is like... 10 years ahead from now. I need to finish university, be a pediatrician *amen* and find a job first before getting married! I don't wanna be some kind of douche who burdens his/her parents with marriage expenses and live-at-my-parents-house-forever-because-I'm-too-lazy-to-find-a-job. I sighed, yeah it's still a looooong way ahead.

That night I closed my eyes and imagined how my life would be after I got married. My mind drifted away and suddenly I'm at an unfamiliar house, talking to my daughter who was eating breakfast. I was in my white coat and was just about to go to the hospital, then suddenly a guy appeared in a similar white coat. His face was blurred, just as blurred as the image of my future husband that I had in mind. His voice was deep yet calm and soft. They're like music to my ears. He's like the exact kind of husband that I would love to marry in the future. Then it strikes me, who is the lucky-or unlucky guy ? What if he's someone that I've already known, but who?! Suddenly, 'his' image came across my mind. I tried to think about another guy, but it's just impossible.

But really? Is it really him? All I can do right now is hope and until now, I can't help but smile at the thought of marrying a doctor and have a doctor x doctor relationship. Isn't it sweet to walk hand-in-hand at the hospital hallway? Despite having only a little time to meet, we're still close and other craps like that? I love those craps <3

FYI, who is this... 'him'?

Well he's ... *drum rolls*

dr. Derek Stiles! <3
OMG who wouldn't love a surgeon like him? *squeals*
. . . *is shot

I was joking, btw. 'Him' is 'him'. He's a guy that only I know who *until now*. Don't worry, we'll send you our marriage invitation lol.

<3

December already?

I love December! Christmas is coming reaaaaal soon, and NEW YEAR'S EVE!

#decemberwishes everything okay, especially my family and my grades :')

Though I usually listen to songs that represents my mood or my current situation, I'm not listening to Back to December right now. Weird. Why? Maybe it doesn't really suit my mood or anything, but if I had to listen to that song, I'd change the title into 'Back to August'. Why is that? Hahaha, it was fun back then, but not anymore, thanks for everything though 07.08.10 :))

short post <3

Wild Hamsters?

Yesterday, I was having random thoughts about this world. I started with one basic question, how do wild hamsters live? I mean hamsters are domesticated animals, but what about wild hamsters? I thought, and thought, and thought for hours and in the end suddenly I have another question in my mind,

"Why love someone when you know that it'll be unrequited after all?" I almost laughed. The question really hit 'that' spot in my heart. Unrequited love is like sprinkling salt at a wound, it hurts, but somehow I have this ecstatic feeling whenever I fall in love. To be honest, I have experienced lots and lots of unrequited love. None of the person I loved returned my feelings- Wait, there's one, but in the end I rejected him. I regretted it a bit though, but now there's nothing between us anymore :p

I love the exciting feeling when I waited for him to appear and saw him at unexpected time. I love it when I accidentally dreamt about him. I love waiting for him to say hi to me.

To me love is when you feel the urge to protect someone, to get close to someone, to take care of someone, and to be happy by just being around someone. It's beautiful, to me it's one of God's masterpiece :) Though I could never approach him properly or say that 'l' word towards him, I'm still content with what I have at that state. Love is weird, I know, but it's still magical and wonderful :)

Anyway, I'm craving cheesecake, cupcake, spam-musubi, choco-banana pocky, and melon. Damn, I'm getting fat :x

Happy Swift Day!

Hey, it's November 13! Happy Swift Day to everyone especially fella swifties :D

anyway, be prepared because the quotes you're going to read could blow your mind. Enjoy~

"Cause I love the gap between your teeth, and I love the riddles that you speak." - Taylor Swift - Ours

"When you love someone, you love all of them... You gotta love everything about them, not just the good things but the bad things too. The things that you find lovable and the things you don't." - Valentine's Day

"The way you walk, way you talk, way you say my name, it's beautiful, wonderful, don't you ever change." - Taylor Swift - Hey Stephen

"The lingering question kept me up, 2 a.m., who do you love? I wonder 'til I'm wide awake." - Taylor Swift - Enchanted

"So lay here beside me, just hold me and don't let go. This feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known." - Lady Antebellum - Can't Take My Eyes Off You

....mind. blown.

That Throbbing Feeling

Ummmmm- this is awkward. Recently I've been feeling that 'strange feeling' again. Everytime I saw 'him' my heart raced like crazy. I bet my face was beet red because I could feel the blood running to my cheeks. I couldn't control my body so I smiled to myself. My usual cheerfulness and courage turned into this weird bashful and silent personality of me- SILENT? MANDA? That is sooooooo wrong. I know that -_____-"

It's weird how meeting a single person could change myself that much. I started hoping to see him everyday though I couldn't do anything but to watch him from a distance. What is this thing I feel? Is it love? I'm not sure, because... There's this hollow feeling inside my chest. I don't know what that means. I have felt... 3 or 4 unrequited loves (?) in my life and this time it feels... different. Wait, I don't even know if it's different or not because I haven't had that 'feeling' for 2 years or so.

Yeah, my high school life is so much fun without that love-thing. I could enjoy having fun with my beloved classmates and friends. I miss them so damn much!

Wait- look what I just made! Random pic timeeee~ :)

Reaaaaally random. Took this around 10 seconds ago. You can see how messy my room is today, hahahah. I have a debate competition this Saturday and I haven't done anything that could significantly improve me or my speech or anything related to my debating skills! Someone helppppp >< Yet idk why but me and my friends are quite optimistic. We won't ask for victory, we just don't want to embarrass ourselves in public. Though it would certainly have felt nice to win when you know that you're just an underdog or a newbie in that competition. Well, let's just hope~

Cheers~